I thought I would take the time to share my story of personal struggle to get pregnant with my second child. Secondary infertility is no joke and when you had no trouble getting pregnant from the first one (wanted but not planned), you enter that phase of increasing your family thinking that it will be as easy as stopping taking the contraceptive pill. Not so, at least not for me!
My son was 3 years old in 1989 when my husband and I decided to add a number two in the children’s category for our family of four. I say family of four because my elderly grandmother lived with us at the time. (He was in our care from the age of 89 to 100, but that’s another story.)
When I didn’t get pregnant as planned that first year of trying, I decided to ask my obstetrician about my options. (Notice I say “my” options because my husband was never involved! No one asked him to come on a date or did a sperm test…it was decided it must be my problem!) She told me no made him worry and he gave me a couple of prescriptions including clomid. Needless to say to those of you who have taken clomid, life is a bitch and I was the biggest in my house! He did nothing good for my attitude or for getting me pregnant. Taking my basal body temperature every day on top of all that only made things worse and plunged me further into a funk.
I finally gave up that way of procreation. My OB said I could go to a fertility clinic but that would have cost money we didn’t have and honestly now I had my hands full with a 4 year old and a 94 year old! I dropped everything and just lived my life with glimpses of what could have been while babysitting my friends’ kids on occasion. My in-laws often asked when we were going to give our child a brother or sister until one day I told them there were no other siblings on the way and to please stop asking. (I think that’s the polite version of my answer.)
Fast forward to 1995 when I was vacationing in Las Vegas/CA/Grand Canyon with my in-laws, their friends, and our son. My husband, son and I rented a car and split up from our main group to visit California and I started getting sick. Really sick and miserable, I made noises about finding a clinic that would give me something, anything, so we could finish our trip. My husband insisted that I must be pregnant and he and my soon to be 9 year old son went to the nearest pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test. (and a rose and some chocolate and a blueberry muffin… ) It had been a LONG time since I had taken a home pregnancy test and sure I was NOT pregnant, this was all food poisoning! I asked my son to read the box while I went to the bathroom to pee on the stick. When I walked out wondering what I was supposed to look for (no easy + sign or detailed results like now) my son looked at the test and then fell out of bed dramatically, like a teenager who just found out his girlfriend was pregnant. ! “YOU’RE pregnant, MOM” she yelled! And then, ” worried that your Dad and I would have had sex while he was in the same room on our vacation I was in shock and my husband was smug and couldn’t even think how in the world this could have happened.
We welcomed our daughter in 1996, a few months less than 10 years between our two children. There were no miscarriages or stillbirths, but the disturbing monthly (or bi-monthly or quarterly) evidence that I had failed to provide a sibling for our son slowly subsided as I gave myself over to caring for our family of 5 (my grandmother passed away in 1999). ) .
After my daughter was born, I felt a connection to those who couldn’t have children or struggled with secondary infertility. So, I think, volunteering (after a medical exam and discussion) to be a gestational surrogate for friends of ours in Florida (who struggled to have their first child and wanted a sibling), was not as impactful for my husband. We both knew how that felt. Long story short, I was able to be a surrogate mother twice and it changed my life forever. From secondary infertility survivor to gestational carrier, working with an outside reproductive attorney, agency owner, and consultant, I have been able to touch so many lives and share my story with hundreds of expectant parents and surrogate mothers over the last 20 years.
Let’s meet every day to talk and share about these topics. You are not alone and neither am I! Let’s not allow one more person to feel segregated and misunderstood. We all have important stories to share. Thanks for reading mine!
