Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The prodigious care and affection seems to answer our prayers. We have found Mr. or Mrs. Right: your soul mate; without suspecting that we have been attacked by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes color and loses interest, and our dream collapses. Rejection is unbearable, especially at the height of romance. It is a traumatic shock to our hearts. We feel cheated, betrayed and abandoned. We are confused and trying to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was in fact a mirage. We search for answers, doubt and blame ourselves, often losing confidence in ourselves and in the opposite sex.
Sometimes partners are scammed by their suitor who disappears, dumped by text, email, or a call. If they are rejected in person, they are taken aback by the coldness of the narcissist, who has recently expressed his love for her and promised an incredible future together. They may find that they have been dumped by a new prospect, cheated, or cheated all along. It’s devastating and it can be hard to let go, because all your memories are happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept the truth of who the attacker really was. Protect victims from the painful truth that the relationship was not what they imagined.
Love bombing and narcissistic offer
Research shows love bombers have low self-esteem and are often narcissistic; although not all narcissists are love bombers, and some non-narcissists are. Despite a facade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They need constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them, but, like vampires, it is never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger. More than confidence, they actually fear being undesirable. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think in order to feel better about themselves. Therefore, love bombing is a means of seeking attention, boosting your ego, and satisfying self-enhancing needs for sex, power, and control. When they are depressed, have suffered a loss, or are disenchanted with their latest conquest, they seek out new narcissistic supplies.
Many narcissists employ seduction, play games, and use relationships to improve themselves. Dating is intense and moves fast. The attention can be giddily exciting for the recipient. There is often excessive communication, reflecting attackers’ need for assertion, typically via text or social media, where they can exert more control from a distance.
Idealization and devaluation
For a narcissist, it is not enough to be loved or appreciated. He only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, power, celebrity, or genius. Narcissists idealize potential partners to increase their own lack of self-esteem. The thought is, “If I can win the admiration of this attractive person, then I must be worthy.”
As reality creeps in, they find their partner to be inadequate or fear that their flawed, empty self will be revealed as expectations of emotional intimacy rise. Any slight or imaginary crack in the ideal image of your partner feels painful. As the narcissist’s view of their perfect partner deteriorates, their hidden shame causes more and more discomfort. They in turn project this onto their partner, whom they criticize and devalue. This is particularly true of perfectionist narcissists. When your partner’s glow fades, he or she no longer provides a satisfying object to boost your self-esteem. They discard their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply. When relationships with narcissists last, the partner feels exhausted, hurt, resentful, and alone. Disrespect and lack of affection damage your self-esteem over time.
attachment styles
Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant or anxious, or some combination. People with insecure attachment styles feel a basic insecurity stemming from relationships with early caregivers. They doubt the reliability of others to meet their emotional needs and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others. One showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love bombing.
codependent partners
Most codependents also have low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worth. His unconscious belief is: “If I am loved, then I must be lovable.” Although some codependents may behave in ways that appear needy and insecure, narcissists hide their neediness and act confident, in control, proud, and even smug, like a male peacock flaunting his feathers. For insecure codependents, this screen is very attractive. They are impressed and attracted to the traits they wish they had. They also idealize narcissists, who absorb their admiration. Narcissists are skillful and charming communicators, adept at making people admire and appreciate them. Both narcissists and codependents can adapt to the tastes and needs of others, but for the narcissist it is a seduction tactic; for the codependent pleaser, it is a way of relating and their personality style.
When codependents experience love bombing, their low self-esteem also increases. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike their childhood. They imagine a future free from their inner emptiness and loneliness with this ideal partner who will always love them. In the initial phase of mutual admiration, they overlook or fail to see differences or potential problems.
Solutions
The good news is that we can change our attachment style. In the meantime, it’s important to go slow on dates. Rushed intimacy doesn’t rush love, just our attachment. It is an attempt to satisfy personal psychological needs. It takes time to get to know someone. This is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature daters will not use undue seduction or charm or make premature promises or expressions of love. They take the time out with someone to gauge if someone will be a good long-term partner, and they don’t want to let them down or hurt them.
Stay connected with your body and your feelings. In the intensity of a new romance, ask yourself if your “thrill” isn’t really anxiety about rejection and uncertain hope about a promising future. Do you feel free to be open and honest and set boundaries or are you walking on eggshells? Are you fulfilling to please your partner? In other words, can you be authentic, say “no” and express negative feelings? That usually takes time and trust. Codependents often think, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to.” Mature people know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to realize this.
Watch and listen to how your date treats and talks about others and their ex. Does he shower you with praise, but command, blame, or belittle other people? One day your date may treat you that way.
©Darlene Lancer 2018
