Have you ever wondered why some people can’t seem to trust anyone? Perhaps you are married to someone who, despite all your positive efforts at encouragement, still struggles to trust you. Maybe you have a friend who automatically distrusts everyone they come in contact with, including supposedly safe categories of people, like the police or a pastor. Or maybe you have a child who mistrusts everything you say. Regardless of any positive results, they remain steadfast in mistrust.
There are some concepts that psychology handles very well and others that fall tragically short, but one that has stood the test of time is Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development. The first stage from birth to eighteen months is Trust vs. Distrust and is the foundational stage on which all future problems lie. If a person learns to trust others for food, care, comfort, and safety during this time, it will be easier for them to trust others in the future. But if they don’t learn to trust, then the foundation has been laid for a lifetime of mistrust.
The psychology. In a nutshell, Erikson concluded that, by nature, all babies need to rely on someone to care for them, as they are unable to care for themselves between birth and eighteen months. During these pivotal years, a baby must rely on crying to communicate all of her needs: food, comfort, pain, care, and safety. It is the responsibility of the caregiver (hopefully the parent) to meet those needs in a loving way. If the baby fails to meet her needs, she learns not to trust her caregiver to meet her basic needs.
The boy. A child who learns to trust the caregiver to meet the most basic needs is now able to trust them even more to meet their needs and wants. On the other hand, a child who learns to mistrust the caregiver fails to develop more trust and subsequently has difficulty attaching to the caregiver. There is an unnatural distance between the caregiver and the child, as neither relates to the other, it is a distance that only grows as the child grows. But a child who has learned to trust will naturally run to the caregiver whenever there is trouble, and the bond between the two is unmistakable.
The Adult. As a confident adult, evidence of trust will be seen in many relationships, but it will be most evident in a marriage relationship. However, if the adult as a child bonds only to the parent of the same sex, she may find it difficult to trust someone of the opposite sex, the same is true in reverse. More obvious is the adult who never learned to trust anyone as a child, now struggles to trust friends, family, colleagues, spouse, children, and especially the spouse’s family.
The cure. Just because someone grew up in an environment where they learned not to trust anyone, doesn’t mean it has to be permanent. It means that it will be a struggle or even an ongoing battle, but it can be overcome with hard work, time, and energy. Learning to trust God is one of the best ways to conquer mistrust, and as counterintuitive as it may seem, it works. Somehow it’s easier to trust God than humans because He’s not human but supernatural, so the old wiring that says people can’t be trusted doesn’t apply. God also provides a safe environment free from criticism or rejection. But for some, this is a difficult concept to grasp, as every fiber of their being tells them that if they can’t trust a caregiver, how can they trust God? So instead it becomes a leap of faith that is too big or too scary. For others who take the leap of faith and trust in God, their trust slowly spreads to others as time has passed and evidence has been gained that some people can be trusted.
The next time you run into someone who has a hard time trusting others, spend a little energy understanding their perspective and try to see life from their point of view. You will often find some trauma in the early years between birth and eighteen months that justifies your position. So don’t give up on them, trust them first and be a light to others who are trying to find their way in a sea of mistrust.
