Do you have a teenager? Finding the experience not, perhaps, infinite simplicity and joy?
You’re not alone. Adolescence is a complicated time, in which the main job of the adolescent is the search for their own identity separate from that of their parents. The developmental tasks of adolescence are accomplished by the adolescent going to the extreme before he can return to the mean. One of the ways to help your teen develop this identity is easier said than done: You must allow your teen to learn by making her own mistakes.
This is a painful task for most parents, but this is how true independence is achieved. Think about what it means concretely for your child, as I offer you some examples.
An easy way to start is with household chores. Provide the ones that begin and end with your teen. First, she develops the property, but second, if she fails, she suffers the consequences herself, which is the structure she wants. Ask her to wash her own clothes, clean her own room, change her own clothes. It’s true that her sheets could end up developing unidentifiable fungus, but she’s the one who has to sleep with them.
Let’s say it’s a more communal task: emptying the dishwasher or preparing lunches. You can’t force your teen to do these things; The Ball Is in his field. But if he hasn’t, why don’t you wait until he needs you for something, and he will, and then you tell him, without malice, that you’ll be happy to oblige, as soon as he takes X away? care of.
There are certain things your teen will do that will have external consequences, and you won’t need to intervene at all, so the best thing to do is to sprout. If he refuses to wear a warm coat or boots, if she insists on staying up late on a school night, no one will regret it more than her teenage son if she lets the scenario play out.
I see a lot of teenagers from religious families in my practice, and parents are obviously concerned about their children’s religious choices, in terms of modesty, prayer, being with the right friends who encourage them spiritually, etc. It’s painful to see her daughter make different choices than you value so much, but she can’t force her to practice as she sees fit. The best advice I have is to lead by example. I found that most girls in religious rebellion are really angry with their parents and express it this way. If prayer time is an unhappy experience, you are teaching that connection with God is unpleasant, no matter what you preach.
And remember this too. You are the father, the brothers are your children. Her daughter shouldn’t need to get married just to get a break from the housework you assign her. The girl who goes overboard with childcare and housework may have just as much trouble as the daughter who refuses to help at all. By learning from their own mistakes, their little babies move from childhood to adolescence, and beyond.
