Listening requires being silent
How committed are you in your relationships? Are you present in the relationship? I do not mean physically present since it is a fact. I’m talking about being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually involved in the relationship. Being devoted means enduring the difficult periods if the relationship runs into troubled waters. Here I define relationships as all forms of human connections, whether intimate, friends, family, or coworkers. Now you might be thinking, “Tony, I can’t be too committed to my boss because he would cross the line of being his friend.” So let me explain. Being engaged and present means that we bring our whole being to our encounters with others. For example, from my experience as a coach, many people are ineffective listeners. They listen with the intention of intervening after the other person has finished. They are not engaging in communication and it is evident in their body language. Contemplate this for a moment, do you consider yourself a good listener in your relationships? Do you listen carefully to what others are saying or do you skim the surface of their words?
The subject of this article is inspired by a recent conversation with a client who is experiencing communication problems with his boss. She mentioned the difficulty of maintaining mutual understanding with her boss due to her intolerance of what she has to say. She recalled a recent experience that was met with disdain and indifference. The boss was sure that she was listening by repeating “yes” throughout the conversation. However, from my client’s perspective, they were indifferent to her communication. Listening requires being silent until the other person finishes their dialogue. You could even ask them, “Is there anything else you want to tell me about this situation?” This way, you create an open dialogue with the other party instead of pretending you’re interested. I know of a family member who continually interrupts me with questions while I am explaining a story. I find it disconcerting because if you actively listen, I’ll tell you what you need to know within the context of the story. If I haven’t explained myself well enough, you have the right to ask questions after I’m done. Do you agree with these sentiments? What is your experience with poor listeners?
Bring your authentic self to every interaction
Listening is one facet of how we engage in our relationships. Other ways include: compassion, kindness, and creating an atmosphere of presence with the other person. So if your partner comes home and tells you about their problems at work, instead of trying to fix it, listen without judgment. Listen with an open mind and a compassionate heart, knowing that they come to you because they feel safe sharing their vulnerabilities. Unless they ask for help, actively listen and give them the gift of your presence. Sure, I understand that we want to fix the other person’s problem, but often our advice can be unconditional or unnecessary. What it requires is empathy, presence and not judging. Have you experienced this with your intimate relationships where you wanted your partner to only listen to you? Sometimes it’s hard and we retaliate in anger because we don’t want someone to fix our problems, we want to be heard.
Who said relationships were easy? They are not meant to be easy, however they are worth it even when the other person pushes our pain buttons. We experience growth at such times because it forces us to look at ourselves even during conflict. The importance of being engaged and present in our relationships means fostering true communication. We let go of judgment and fixed ideas of what we think the other person is really saying. There is an opportunity to heal our childhood wounds when we listen openly because we allow our ego to take a backseat. The ego wants to be heard while the heart prefers to listen. Listening is difficult because it involves silence and reflective reflection while the other person is talking. Also, it is not necessary to solve all the problems. When we try to solve other people’s problems, we take away their ability to overcome their challenges. We disempower them and strip them of their identity. What we must do is listen and ask encouraging questions so that they themselves arrive at the answers.
Are you seeing that being engaged and present in your relationships involves more than your physical presence? It means bringing your authentic self into every interaction and letting go of judgment, blame, and anger. I’m not suggesting it’s simple, but by considering why we’re in the relationship in the first place, we learn to see past these false emotions and really connect with our core feelings. With this in mind, I would like you to choose a relationship that you feel is strained at the moment. It can be a co-worker, a friend, a relative or an important person. In the next seven days, make an agreement with yourself to actively listen to what the other person is saying. Listen with the intention of connecting with her words and emotions rather than skimming the surface of communication. Try to get an idea of what they want you to know about the situation. Are they afraid? Do they feel vulnerable? Or angry? If so, maybe they need unconditional love? Are you willing to give it to him without saying a word? They may want you to see them through the eyes of love, even when they are experiencing negative emotions. The real test comes when we are committed and present in all our relationships without saying much.
