Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is a particularly difficult experience because it makes you face two different sets of problems.
- Ending issues, separation and letting go (disappointment, anger, sadness, fear and trying to achieve closure)
- Issues of acceptance, forgiveness, openness to new beginnings and new possibilities.
A Divorce/Relationship Termination Ceremony can further that process. The difference between a divorce ceremony and an end-of-relationship ceremony is largely time. In Australia, where a no-fault divorce depends solely on a period of separation, the relationship is formally over long enough before the divorce is final. Either ceremony is an appropriate way to mark the end of your relationship with ritual and ceremony.
Whatever you choose, if the ceremony is done correctly, it will have a deep spiritual content that will increase your sense of belonging. In the context of human behavior, what matters are emotions. The process of preparing for the ceremony, and the ceremony itself, supports positive emotions at a time of transition from one state of being to another by having a positive impact on the subconscious. A positive ceremony eases anxiety about the ability to live separate lives and moves emotions away from self-recrimination toward a celebration of growth and learning.
Some couples choose to have a divorce ceremony once the relationship has legally ended with the granting of the divorce. But I find that, given the opportunity, couples may choose to acknowledge the end of the relationship sometime during the initial period of separation, long before formal proceedings have begun. This can be very useful when there are children of the relationship because the continuing commitment of the parents to those children is formally made clear, and the children are formally absolved of guilt for the breakdown of the marriage. (Many children blame themselves and this needs to be addressed.)
There are two types of divorce/end of relationship ceremony. Where former partners can be respectful of one another and can put aside their differences to focus on the needs of their children, the ceremony can be seen as a positive step toward separation. Vows can be retracted and formal statements of support for each other and for the children are made. This is particularly helpful as children often believe that they are the cause of the breakup, and a formal public ceremony in which the former partners emphasize that their separation does not mean a change in their relationship with the children can be very helpful.
The second type of ceremony, in which only a couple participates, is more similar to a funeral. The good parts of the relationship are praised and steps are taken to help the ‘surviving part’ move on.
Ultimately though, the results of your ceremony depend on the skill of your celebrant.
If you are planning a ceremony to mark the end of a relationship, I urge you to focus on two things:
- heal the wounds of the breakup of the relationship, and
- forward.
I was horrified to see examples of “post-divorce” ceremonies that were virtually indistinguishable from black magic, such as sticking pins into a spouse’s effigy or burying a coffin containing a photo of the ex-spouse.
Frankly, I refuse to perform ceremonies where the potential client wants everyone present to make a negative statement about the ex-spouse. Some celebrants are not so picky and accept this, although some may refuse to allow the children of the marriage to make a negative statement against their mother or father. However, the boy is there and hears the statements, which causes him distress and is potentially harmful.
When approaching a celebrant to perform an end of relationship or divorce ceremony, keep in mind that the role of the celebrant is to not be an alternate directorbut to be a facilitator, using your skills to work with people in a time of intense emotions.
Your ceremony development process should result in a ceremony that allows you to:
- say goodbye to past relationship
- recognize and celebrate what was good in that relationship and the growth each party experienced during and as a result of the relationship
- affirm your values
- express appreciation
- move through the transition phrase between being half of a couple and being a single person
- acknowledge your new status and the positive aspects of this new status.
