I am lucky to share a very close relationship with my 92-year-old grandmother. Although she struggles with many common physical and emotional ailments related to her age, her mind remains vibrant and the bond between us continues to deepen over the years.
My relationship with my grandmother has been a stabilizing force in my life. Her unconditional love, her integrity and her wisdom have been my compass in times of confusion and turmoil. My grandmother’s house was one of the few places in my life that remained constant despite the many painful transitions I experienced over the years. With my parents’ divorce and the many changes that ensued culminating in my passage into adulthood, my grandmother’s house was always a major force in bringing me back to my roots and reminding me of where I came from and where I am headed. directed.
During my recent visit to Florida, I spent hours with my grandmother sitting on her screened porch in the early winter sun as she shared stories from her youth: triumphs and celebrations, heartaches and struggles. I was shocked at the huge gaps in my knowledge of my family’s history. A calm mind and a peaceful soul can open the door to many new ideas and opportunities. It is impossible to put aside your personal agenda, open your heart and listen deeply if your mind is full of noise and fixed on superfluous details.
My original plan was to fill the day with productivity. I realized that Grandma needed new shoes, and she certainly could benefit from a ride in the car or a trip to the grocery store. Luckily, I reminded myself to put my personal agenda aside in favor of seeing the world through my grandmother’s eyes. Intuitively, I recognized that her deepest need was for emotional connection and companionship.
With large chunks of time spent reflecting on her life and the dear friends and loved ones who have passed away, and living in a residence where most of her neighbors are preoccupied with their own health and personal problems, my grandmother felt alone and longed for deep and meaningful bonding time. New shoes and shopping can wait, I thought to myself, however, quality time spent with my last living grandparent cannot. It seems that many of us go through this life in a perpetual haze of activity, rarely pausing to take advantage of truly precious opportunities for authentic human interaction. I’ve been guilty of the same thing for most of my life and have lived with the sadness and regret that comes from over-absorbing.
My grandmother’s mood lifted as she painted a colorful portrait of the great-grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles I never knew. I took her on a journey through time as she recounted stories of her first date with my grandfather, the early days of their marriage, her complicated relationships with extended family members, and her struggle caring for my great-grandmother during a long battle with cancer.
I learned that on my grandparents’ first date, my grandfather did not behave like a perfect gentleman. Instead, he gave my grandmother a nickel for the streetcar and allowed her to ride home alone. My grandmother intended to never see him again, and she only accepted her phone call because my great-grandmother insisted on it. During that fateful phone conversation, my grandfather apologized profusely for his inconsiderate behavior and admitted that his own mother was quite angry with him for not walking a young girl home at night. I am very lucky that my grandfather redeemed himself on the second date by returning to a dark theater when Grandma realized that she forgot her gloves inside her.
It was fascinating to learn about my great-grandparents who bravely left their villages in Europe and worked so diligently to create a better life for their children and future generations. I learned that my great-grandmother Clara left her town in Austria as a child to immigrate to the United States, and my grandmother’s birth name “Malie” was changed to “Mildred” when her kindergarten teacher sent a letter to everyone. parents, requesting that children with names that sounded too much like a nickname be given a more formal name. After my return home, my interest deepened as I spent several hours exploring http://www.ellisisland.org looking for my great-grandparents’ passenger records.
My grandmother tearfully described the last years of her marriage to my grandfather. They retired to the west coast of Florida and enjoyed many years in a condominium with a magnificent view of Boca Ciega Bay, which empties into the Gulf of Mexico. While Grandma busied herself with preparing dinner, Grandpa enjoyed looking through his binoculars at the sunset over the bay, watching the pelicans glide over the water, and hoping to see a porpoise. He periodically called my grandmother; “My dear, you must come here and see this sunset” and my grandmother would answer: “Not now, my dear, I’m busy preparing dinner.”
Sharing this story with a friend years ago whose own husband also routinely called her from the kitchen during dinner time to watch the sunset, my grandmother recalled with a laugh how her friend conjured up a plan to teach her husband a lesson by finally accept his offer. without protest, and sitting looking at the sky until long after sunset. Her plan was to wait until her husband finally asked about dinner, when she would nonchalantly reply, “Dinner? What dinner, dear? I’ve been busy sitting here by the window next to you, watching the sunset. How can I make dinner while I’m watching the sunset?”
As I was contemplating this story, I thought about the importance of our perspectives and the decisions we make throughout our lives. In the last years of my grandfather’s life, my grandmother poured her heart and soul into caring for him and keeping him comfortable. Suddenly, nothing else mattered and her trivial problems vanished as she devoted herself to caring for her life partner, best friend and soul mate. The next time she finds herself saying “not now” or “maybe later” to a loved one, perhaps she will recall the story of the sunset and take a few minutes to share the beauty of the present moment.
Whether it means taking a little extra time to appreciate the beauty of a sunset, letting your hands get dirty while finger painting with your toddler, kicking off your shoes at the beach with your child, and building a castle out of sand, or set aside several hours. To listen to the life stories of an elderly relative, his time will be well spent and he will receive equal or more joy than he gives. It is never too late to quiet your mind, open your heart, and give the gift of time. It is the most valuable gift you can offer to a friend or loved one.
