If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, he can see that he generally finds it difficult to be himself around women. So there will be times when this is not the case, but this will be the exception and not the rule.
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Upon closer inspection, you can see that this is how it has been for as long as he can remember. So while it may be very clear now, it may be something you’ve been semi-aware of for quite some time.
The experience
When you’re around a woman, you may find that one of two things usually happens. He could end up experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety or he could end up losing touch with what he feels.
If the former happens, you could end up seeming very submissive (the fawn response) and wanting to run away (the run away response). If the latter occurs, it will have disconnected from itself.
First
Being overwhelmed by your emotions, it will not be possible for you to assert yourself. It will be like a small boat in an ocean; will be thrown everywhere.
When this happens, he can act like the stereotypical “nice guy”, being all too happy to do whatever a woman wants. Behaving in this way may also be a way for him to try to experience emotional control.
The second
By disconnecting from yourself, you will be physically there but emotionally absent. As a result of this, he will not be able to embrace the moment or truly connect with the woman.
Only a small part of his being will be there and this will mean that he will essentially be a very diluted version of himself. The woman can feel that he is there, and yet he is not really there.
The result
Because of what’s going on, his true self will rarely see the light of day with women and it might be like someone else shows up normally. Instead of feeling safe and strong, you will often feel extremely vulnerable and helpless.
He could see himself as weak and incapable and could believe that other men have something that he himself does not have. If this is so, he might put certain men on a pedestal and he might even wish he was another man.
External comments
If you were to talk to other men about this, you may not get the kind of support you’re looking for. You could end up being criticized and told that you need to “become a man”, for example.
On the other hand, you might be told that you need to reach out for support and that your life doesn’t have to stay this way forever. If this is what happens, you could end up looking into what you can do to change your life.
Up
This may be a time when you will be told that you need to change your thoughts, and this will be presented as the reason why you cannot be comfortable with women. Managing his thoughts will keep him from having to shut down and therefore allow him to be present.
This advice will come from the point of view that it is all about the mind and that by changing one’s thoughts, one can change how one feels. In other words, it will be seen that your thoughts create your feelings.
False hope
After you have been applying what you have learned for several months, you may find that your life gradually changes. By becoming aware and replacing her “negative” thoughts with “positive” thoughts, she may experience greater emotional control and find it easier to be present with women.
At the same time, you might find that this approach is not very effective. If this happens, you could end up feeling even worse and come to the conclusion that your life will never change.
going deeper
The big question here is: why would he feel so uncomfortable around women and even need to shut down in their presence? What this may show is that he is in a traumatized state due to what happened during his early years.
This may have been a stage in his life where he was abused by his mother and father. Having a mother who was abusive – she may have been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive – would have caused him to create a negative inner model of a woman.
A survival mechanism
The behavior of a woman would have been generalized, being seen as the behavior of all women. This would have been something that took place automatically and this association would have been established to keep him alive.
She wouldn’t have seen her mother as kind, caring, loving, and secure; he would have seen her as a threat. Feeling anxious, fearful and terrified and closing in around him would have been normal.
a cruel existence
Thanks to how he behaved, he might not have known what he was going to do next. Being nervous and hypervigilant would have been a way of trying to prevent the inevitable.
And, if he didn’t please her, she could have encouraged her father, who may have served as an enforcer, to punish him for no apparent reason. This could show that she had a sadistic streak and enjoyed inflicting pain on him and others.
Awareness
Many years will have passed since that stage of his life but his body will not have moved from what happened. This part of him will carry most, if not all, of the trauma she experienced and the model she formed of her mother will define how she typically views women.
If a man can relate to this and is ready to turn his life around, he may need to seek outside support. This is something that can be provided with the help of a therapist or healer.
