Is your child being bullied at school? As a parent, it can be very difficult to know what to tell your child to do about it. Teachers and administrators will do what they can, but most bullies are sneaky, so at the end of the day, your child is the only one against the bully. The biggest difference you can make is teaching your child concrete skills on how to respond when bullied.
For conflicts at school, I find using children’s picture books a great place to get ideas. one of my favorites is Simon’s hook; A story about teasing and humiliation by Karen Gedig Burnett, illustrated by Laurie Barrows. In simon’s hook, Simon’s grandmother tells him a story about a group of fish that learn to “swim free” instead of “taking the bait”, i.e. the insults that are thrown at them. Armed with his newfound abilities, Simon is able to meet up with the kids on the playground who have been making fun of him for his bad haircut.
Simon learns five “Rules for Being a FREE Fish” from his grandmother’s story.
Rule 1: DO little or nothing! Don’t react!
Interestingly, when I have taught these rules in class, this is the one that the children choose the most. We practice getting kids to stare blankly back. Practice this with your children over and over again. Start by having them insult you and show no reaction. With young children, you’ll likely hear something like “You’re a poop face!” Don’t laugh at them. Just look at them like you haven’t even heard them. Then ask permission to make fun of them. Ask them for examples of what kinds of hurtful things they have heard and then repeat them in an exaggeratedly bratty voice, teaching them to do little or nothing. Compliment them on how neutral they can keep their face.. Ask them to practice in front of the mirror. You intend to insult them; they practice looking directly through you.
Rule 2: Agree with the hook!
What? According to what a stalker says? Yes! This one actually works surprisingly well, as it completely disarms the child who is being mean or insensitive. Let’s look at some examples:
Juan: You can’t be my friend!
roger: ok! I’ll go play with someone else then.
See how Juan was getting ready for a fight and Rogelio just took the wind out of his sails? If Rogelio really wants to be Juan’s friend, he might add, “Maybe we can be friends tomorrow.” Often, even if they don’t say it out loud, younger kids don’t want to say, “You can’t EVER be my friend.” They just don’t know how to say they’re mad or want to play with someone else that day. Help your kids understand that sometimes other kids don’t mean to hurt them. They just don’t know how to express their emotions and their needs.
Here’s another example of agreeing with the hook:
Britta: Your shoes are ugly!
Michelle: I know! I told my mom they’re so ugly they should win an ugly award.
How can you argue with someone who happily agrees with you? Notice how the reference to a disagreement with mom subtly puts Britta and Michelle on the same team as Kids Whose Moms Just Don’t Get It. Very charming! Invite your children to use you as an excuse.
Rule 3: Distract or change the subject.
The fun of this technique is that it is often the kids who would otherwise have social problems who are the best at it. Distraction works by simply pointing to something that is happening in the environment like, “Hey, wasn’t that the bell?” or “Isn’t that Mr. Jones with the Giant’s hat over there? I wonder if the Giants won their game last night.”
Changing the theme works like this:
Rakesh: Your writing is terrible!
Hiren: Did you know that the heaviest dinosaur was the Brachiosaurus? It weighed about 80 tones. That’s like 17 elephants. And it was as tall as an 8-story building! That is much higher than my apartment. My building is only five stories high. However, I live on the third floor. Did you know that…
You can see how by the time Hiren runs out of energy, Rakesh will wish he hadn’t said anything!
Children like the idea of this technique, but I have found that they actually need brainstorm a list of possible topics to talk about. Here are some ideas a recent class came up with. Help your own children add to this list:
• The weather
• what happened on a favorite TV show this week
• a book they have recently read
• anything that involves a list (types of cars, types of cereal, what you had for breakfast this morning, state capitals, etc.)
• a question (Do you think Mr. Jones is going to give us a pop quiz today?)
• what they did on vacation or on their last vacation
• anything that happens to be obsessed at the moment
the trick to Changing the subject it’s adding enough detail that the insulting child completely forgets what he said in the first place.
Rule 4: Laugh at the hook or make a joke!
Most kids can only laugh. Again, practice it with your child. Demonstrate first: ask them to insult you, and then just laugh at what they’ve said. I had a son who was really good at laughing and then following up with a blank stare. He left the other children completely bewildered. They really had no idea how to proceed from there.
Pulling a prank can be difficult because it requires kids to think quickly, but if you have a very verbal or prankster child, this could be the perfect tool:
Maria: You’re not a good dancer!
Mira: How did you know that Mrs. Kltuz was my middle name?
Prayed
Kevin: You can’t play with us. Leave away.
Howard: I can’t? Really? Oh, it’s true! I put on two left feet this morning. Alright. Just put me on the left side of the field and I’ll be fine.
This works because kids don’t know how to deal with this type of response and will let the prankster play instead of trying to outwit him.
Rule 5: Stay away! Nothing in another part of the sea!
Stay away or swim works well in two circumstances.
One, the child who is bad is really physical or out of control. Some kids just aren’t sure. They come to school with behavior problems that are too big for our children to deal with (chances are the school is also struggling to find enough staff to help that child). It might mean not being able to do what you want that day, but recess is too short to try and argue with that kind of kid.. Help your kids think of a variety of fun things to do so they have some options away from the bully. If the bully has targeted you, help your child find a remote place, perhaps the library or a lunchtime club or helping a teacher in their classroom.
Yes, I recognize that this is not fair. Your child should be able to play whatever he wants during recess. I am sorry to say, however, that the eyes of the teachers cannot be everywhere and that the help of the garden service is usually too scattered.. Usually, the out-of-sight, out-of-mind principle comes into play here: disappear for a few days, and the stalker will turn their attention elsewhere.
Two, sometimes kids just need a break from each other! Help your child understand that we all go through rhythms of how much closeness and how much distance we need at any given time. Often the person being insulted is really just looking for some space. So give them to them! They will come another day. If you have the type of child who forms very intense and deep bonds with one person, take some time to explain that this is not everyone’s style of friendship. Some people like to be friends with many different people. One day they will want to play with you and another day they will want to play with someone else. This isn’t personal: it’s just a different personality. Reassure your child that if he can leave today, the other child will probably look for him again soon.
Children like these techniques. Having tools in their tool belt empowers them and allows them to quickly deal with situations and move on.. In addition, very often it allows the child to be bad to move on, so the whole day is better for everyone.
Just learning about the skills will not be enough. You will need to provide a lot of support and suggestions. You can practice them after the fact, helping your child imagine the conversation she might have had. If he gets in the car complaining that So-and-so did something wrong today, ask him if he took the bait. Yes, he did it, help him figure out how he could have used each of these techniques to redirect the bully or defuse the situation.
It may seem unfair that your child has to “not take the bait.” Nobody should bother him in the first place, right? But you know and I know that the world doesn’t work that way. Surely you’ve heard a friend tell a story about someone who is annoying or mean and you’ve advised him, “That’s the kind of person you have to ignore” or “Why do you let it bother you so much?”. What you’re saying is why take the bait? Kids will feel more in control if they know it’s in their power not to take the bait.
If your child is worried about going to school, ask him what he thinks might happen and practice over and over many different ways you could handle it. Emphasize that deflecting conflict is a skill. It will get better and better and it will be easier and easier to know what to do in the moment.
