Sometimes I hear from people who want their cheating spouse to feel some consequences for their actions. They want their spouse to feel guilt, shame, remorse, and sadness. But, for some reason, they haven’t been able to get these answers. Your spouse continues to act defensive or outraged or tries to blame you. As a result, they look for ways to entice their spouse to feel the guilty emotions that they should naturally feel.
Someone might say, “Honestly, my husband says he’s sorry about the affair, but his actions and behavior just don’t show it. Sometimes when we talk about how the affair has affected our family, I start crying because I’m so upset about it.” he’s done. When I cry, he doesn’t try to comfort me. He just feels very uncomfortable and occasionally says he wishes he could take it back. When I ask him to reassure me, he’s not looking at the other person anymore, he responds that he’s not sure what I want from him since we’re together most of the day. When I talk to my mom about this, she says the best thing I can do is be nonchalant with him. She says I should take care of it. the kids and stuff and then when I ignore him he goes out of his way to apologize and reassure me.
I have seen this strategy work temporarily. But I’ve also seen it fail big time. Why? Because when you pretend you don’t care, you’re just playing the same games your husband is playing and he might respond by shutting you down. Or, he might take your indifference as neglect, which in some husbands’ minds is a justification to cheat again. Whether this strategy works for you really depends on whether you want to save your marriage. If you don’t, then I don’t see anything wrong with being indifferent. It won’t matter if he folds or retaliates or decides he doesn’t want to play. It also won’t matter if he’s sincere but backs off because he thinks you don’t care.
But if you want to save your marriage, the goal is to rebuild a healthy marriage based on honesty. I know that honesty is probably the most important factor in recovery. I couldn’t stand my husband telling me even the slightest white lie. He wanted to know the truth about everything. So when you pretend to be indifferent, that is not sincere at a time when you should expect the absolute truth and when it is important to be transparent.
I know that all of this is asking you to take the right path. But in my experience, the best way to get the behavior you want from it is to model it yourself. If you act nonchalant, sometimes he’ll mirror your behavior and you’ll get two people pretending they don’t care when in fact they both care a lot. All of this is a huge waste of time and can cause misunderstandings, which can make things worse.
I think it’s possible to push back the high emotion of the situation without pretending that you just don’t care. For example, the next time you ask her to reassure you that she’s with you most of the day, you can try, “And yet somehow that’s not enough. I really need you to make sure I don’t have I mean to see her, even if you had the time and the ability. I want to know that you’re making the decisions that will make our family stronger. You may not be ready to give me that, but until you do, I’m not sure we can heal. I’m looking for the assurance that I can trust you.”
So drop it. Look what it will do. I know it feels awkward having to spell it out. But once you do, it’s up to him. You’re no longer tap dancing and hoping I’ll rise to the occasion. You are telling him what you want and need and you are giving him the option to satisfy it or not.
If you’re not into counseling or using very good self help, I highly recommend it. Your plan to be indifferent is based on the fact that you don’t get what you want and need from him. An adviser or a good step-by-step guide would help you achieve this much more easily and efficiently than pretending or playing games. Since honesty is such an important part of recovering and restoring trust, I just can’t advocate faking it. You don’t always have to show all your emotion. But I don’t think you want to lie and pretend you don’t care when you do. Otherwise, you are just inviting him to do the same thing and recovery will be very difficult with two people who are faking it.
