When Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider’s book The Rules was first published in 1995, it instantly became a worldwide hit. Women around the world were drawn to the concept of having a set of ‘rules’ to help them navigate the early stages of their romantic relationships.
Although I don’t necessarily agree with the ‘rules’ themselves, the idea of having a personal set of parameters of what you will and will not accept when you are dating is a concept that I can endorse.
Boundaries are a set of rules that we create so that people know how we would like to be treated. They also determine how other people’s actions and words affect us and how our own behavior and words can affect others.
Being clear about how you want to be treated is very important when starting a new relationship. Establishing an understanding of what you prefer gives the other person a chance to find out whether or not they can meet your expectations.
Once the relationship is established, your desire for closeness must be satisfied with closeness. If your new partner only wants to have sex on a Friday night after you’ve dated, but having a real conversation with her is like pulling her teeth out, then it’s probably a good sign that she doesn’t want the same thing you do.
If this is happening and you realize that you are making excuses for it, then you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself why you are enduring that type of behavior.
Being flexible is important. Leaving room for mistakes is fine, but when your behavior pattern feels like you have to constantly adjust something within yourself, then it’s time to make a decision about what you really want.
A friend of mine recently sent a guy to an online dating site. They had a good connection and started emailing each other on a regular basis. One day he emailed her and called her by a different name. At first she corrected him and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
The second time it happened, well, let’s say, it hit its limit!
It doesn’t matter if you or I gave it a second chance, because the limits are unique to each person. What my friend knew was that she was also talking to more than one person, and it could have been an honest oversight. For the second time, she felt it was a sign that he wasn’t trying very hard, and that definitely didn’t bode well for a long and happy future together.
Here are my top three guidelines for setting limits:
Mildly Annoying Behaviors vs. breaks deals
Like it or not, people are not perfect. There will be behaviors that will annoy you from time to time. That is totally normal. But there are behaviors where you want (and should) draw a line. Having a good understanding of what the difference is to you can help you decide when to be flexible and when to end.
When the tables are turned
How do you react when someone says ‘no’ to you? How do you go with someone else’s limits? Can you bear to hear a ‘no’ without trying to push your own agenda or sulk? To be clear, I’m talking about everyday ‘no’s as opposed to outright rejection. Both people should be able to hear a “no” without taking it personally and adjusting accordingly. If for some reason you can’t accept your limit, then it’s probably time to drop everything.
Meet your own needs
Do you find it difficult to tell people what you need or want from them or from the situation? Sometimes it’s easier to keep quiet and agree to things, but if you can’t or don’t want to set limits, people will start treating you like a doormat. Ultimately, people respect and admire those who can set clear boundaries and express them confidently early on.
Ultimately, when we understand what it is we like or don’t like, we can communicate it in a way that is respectful to ourselves and to others. Whether or not the other person decides to accept our limit is completely out of our control.
