Five steps are required to build a long-term relationship. Each step in the process builds on the previous step. Well done, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
The five steps necessary for a long-term relationship
The relationship path from initial introduction to older married couple goes through five separate relationship stages: (1) Step 1: The Transitional Relationship, (2) Step 2: The Recreational Relationship, (3) Step 3: The pre-committed relationship, (4) Step 4: The committed relationship, and (5) Step 5: The marital relationship. (For a discussion of recreational, pre-committed, and committed relationships, see David Steele conscious quotes, (Campbell, CA, RCN Press, 2008). The pre-committed relationship discussion is particularly good.)
This article addresses the second step in the relationship building process, Step 2: The Recreational Relationship.
The recreational relationship is a time to play
A recreational relationship is one entered into for the sole purpose of enjoying being single again. An added benefit is the restoration of trust and validation that are almost always damaged in the divorce process.
Objective and motivation. The goal of a recreational relationship is to have fun. The source of motivation that drives a recreational relationship is the question, “Do I have fun when I’m with him or her? Is he or her fun to be with?”
The roles that you and your partner play. Your partner is expected to be a friend, partner, playmate, whether sexual or not. Similarly, your role is also to be a friend, companion, playmate.
The nature of a recreational relationship. A recreational relationship is meant to be light, exciting, shallow, and fun. Go out and do things together. They just enjoy spending time together. Sex without attachment can be part of the fun if both of you agree. Life is good. You enjoy being alive.
hooked on hormones
The recreational relationship is the time for hormones and hope to run rampant. Unfortunately, our culture gives us good but bad advice on how to handle euphoria.
But it feels so “good”. You’ve heard it a thousand times in a thousand ways. Your friends say it, your parents say it, the TV says it, the music says it. It is everywhere. It’s nonstop. “Follow your heart,” “You’ll know when you’ve got Mr./Ms. Right by the way you feel.” “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.”
What you feel is just chemistry doing what chemistry does. Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and relationship researcher, has conducted a series of illuminating studies on the brain chemistry of love. Specifically, she found that the chemicals triggered during the initial “falling in love” phase (ie massive amounts of dopamine and norepinephrine) are the same chemicals that make us feel high when high on cocaine. (Helen Fisher, “Lust, Attraction, Attachment: Biology and Evolution of the Three Primary Emotional Systems for Mating, Reproduction, and Nurturing.” Journal of Sex Education and Therapy25, 2000, 96-104).
The statistics tell a different story. While no one would advise anyone to make major life-changing decisions while high on cocaine, that’s exactly what our culture (in the form of our friends, relatives, music, and television) does when it tells us, “If you feel well, it must be love!” Disaster, of course, comes in the form of failure in 42% of first marriages, 67% of second, and 75% of third.
This is not the fault of chemistry. In fact, physical attraction is a necessary requirement for a good relationship. And, during a recreational relationship, we determine if there is chemistry between you and your partner. What’s misleading is our culture’s obsession with dopamine-infused romantic love like the only predictor of compatibility and happiness in long-term relationships. it is not
Three Rules for Managing Recreational Relationship Intoxication
Your recreational relationship will feel like the real thing. So why shouldn’t you go ahead and “lock up” your dream partner before someone else does? Why? Because it’s a ticket back to divorce court.
The following three rules are designed to prevent you from acting impulsively, to “slam on the brakes,” so to speak, even if you think you don’t have to.
My hands are broken rules. The rule My hands are broken says not to sign none legal documents with your partner for at least twelve months, and preferably eighteen months. Just don’t do it.
The 6/7 rule. This rule says that for the first 6 months, don’t plan make anything with your partner more than 7 days in advance. This rule also says, for the first 6 months, don’t to converse any future you may have with your partner that exceeds 7 calendar days.
The 6/30 rule. This rule says that after the first six months of dating your partner, don’t plan to do anything together more than 30 days in advance and don’t talk about your life together that is more than 30 days in the future.
The joy of the recreational relationship lies in its focus on the present, not the future. For now, enjoy the freedom that comes with ending a troubled marriage and allow yourself to enjoy the pleasures of the present as a single person without a partner. As your relationship progresses through the remaining three steps, you will have plenty of time and opportunity to decide if this relationship has a future.
