Now that your relatives have returned home and you are alone for the first time, has the feeling of being completely alone taken over you? Or, now that several weeks have passed since the death of your loved one, has the reality of their absence finally hit home? This horrible feeling is not easy to dispel when first confronted.
Loneliness experts tell us that the key to dealing with it is a concerted effort at self-development and working on the quality of your inner life. This is especially difficult to do if your identity was completely entangled with the person who died.
Your new identity will be shaped, in part, by all the new changes, roles, and routines you’ll have to come to terms with as you adjust to your loved one’s absence. It will also be made up of those you associate with. These associations are the key to fighting loneliness.
Along the way, it is critical that you make a concerted effort to drop any pseudo-beliefs and assumptions you may have adopted about loneliness from the culture in which you live. The power of those beliefs is enormous and will greatly influence how you adapt to your new environment. These are some of the most damaging.
1. It is embarrassing to feel alone. Could not be farther from the truth. They all end up with loneliness throughout life. It is one of the most frequently reported conditions by children, adolescents and adults of all ages. No one is immune to the condition. And, among the loneliest, college graduates who live with their parents.
2. I must hide my fear of always being alone. Fear, of course, is generated by much that has happened earlier in life. If you have sometimes felt abandoned as a child, had premature separations for work reasons, or have been divorced or your parents have divorced, fear of continued loneliness is to be expected. The antidote is to find someone you trust to talk about it and what can be done to fix it. Face fear head-on, never hide it.
3. Others who live alone do very well. This belief is consistently based on peripheral observations of others being seen at specific places or events, not at all phases of their lives. Once again, everyone ends up lonely for a wide variety of reasons. Some feel lonely for cognitive reasons (there is no one to relate to with the same intellectual interests), others for behavioral reasons (there is no one to go with), and others for emotional reasons (lack of affection). These are the three most common types of loneliness.
4. The myth of the perfect friendship. Many people break up with friends because they disagree with each other on all issues and topics. True friends are not supposed to disagree, according to this belief pattern. In reality, there are few perfect friendships. The solution is to agree to disagree and keep the friendship strong and viable.
5. Nobody would want to be my friend. Those with low self-esteem commonly feel that they are not worthy of true lifelong friendships. Regardless of how you feel about yourself, there are plenty of good people out there who would be willing to be friends. You just need to take the first step and choose to find a friend who has similar interests. Then strike up a conversation. Here’s a proven method: Take the risk of getting involved in helping others, and friendships will flourish.
6. The myth of group fun. Many people have not learned to enjoy their own company. They are convinced that fun can only be had by being with others at all times. This is where self-development and strengthening of interests in activities that can be done individually is important. Cook dinner for one or host a party for yourself. Become an expert in computers, crafts or many other activities.
7. I will not be loved. Often, after the death of a loved one, the mourner feels that the only person who truly loved him or her is gone and unloved. Some of this thinking is associated with the disorganization of the claim process. It is a negative inner belief that has to be challenged. And, the best way to do that is to choose to be a more loving person.
You will always have the loving relationship with the deceased; that he never dies. And you can love others in many ways, from being of service to those less fortunate to treating others as you would like to be treated yourself.
In summary, negative beliefs and assumptions about loneliness play an important role in reinforcing the feelings of isolation commonly experienced in coping with loss. Once any of these misconceptions are recognized, it is essential to put a proven plan in place to combat loneliness.
This includes a deep commitment to building an anti-loneliness program by fully exploring avenues of contact, starting conversations regularly, strengthening existing relationships, engaging in new activities, mutual projects, and learning the art of being approachable. It takes time and positive expectation, and a willingness to consult others who have faced the challenge of building a new life.
