The 5 Love Languages is a relationship bible for me. I grew up seeing many broken and unhappy marriages around me. At 20, I felt there was no point in getting married. The marriage was equally unhappy for me.
At 30, I decided to give men a try because I’d had enough experiences in a decade to realize that loneliness wasn’t very nice. This decision, however, caused two very painful ruptures. At 35, I was back to square one. I didn’t have much faith left in relationships and marriage.
I decided to start over and move to another part of the world. He was determined not to fall prey to loneliness again. I kept busy with different activities. Among them was reading. I read a lot of self help books and one book that changed my perception of relationships is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical contact.
words of affirmation
Some people want to hear praise and compliments. “You are beautiful”, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me” and “You are my life” are words that fill their love tanks.
Quality time
Some want undivided time and attention from their partners. This means that they want their partner to focus solely on them. Being partially focused on TV or newspaper will not be accepted.
receive gifts
Some want gifts from their partner. The more effort and thought the couple puts into the gift, the more appreciation the recipient feels and this fills their love tank.
Acts of Service
Some want their partners to help them with housework and other jobs that help ease their burden.
physical contact
This is not to be confused with sex. Some people receive love through hugs, kisses, caresses, pats, and other forms of physical contact. They thrive with a very tactile partner.
friends experiences
This book definitely opened my eyes. I looked back at my friends and family who were in failed marriages. It was quite evident that most of them had many differences with their partners. The main problem between these couples was that they spoke different love languages.
Most people have a combination of a few different love languages. Some expect love languages that they themselves are not capable of giving.
A friend of mine wants to hear praise and compliments from his wife but he never gives it to her. It is not very demonstrative and expressive. He just can’t bring himself to compliment her on dressing, cooking, or being a good mother. As a result, she feels that he doesn’t deserve them either. This has become a vicious circle between them.
A friend always felt like the servant of the family. Her husband expected her to cook, clean, and serve. She did not receive any compliments or appreciation from him. Her physical contact was sex to him and she barely touched her outside of her bedroom. Both love languages, words of affirmation and physical contact, were not fulfilled by her husband. She was really frustrated and unhappy and stays in the marriage just because of her two children.
Another friend was not interested in sex and therefore always avoided physical contact with her husband. She was a very tactile person. The lack of sex frustrated him, but not as much as the lack of physical contact. He started to feel really empty in the relationship and they eventually broke up.
second opportunity
Reading this book, I certainly had some hope. Many couples did not understand each other’s needs and never tried to. I felt like I could figure out what my partner wanted when I met one. I was also able to tell her what my love languages were.
I decided that I could give men a second chance. I started dating again, I met two different men for short periods of time. It is true that I was able to identify what the love languages of these two men were.
The first boy wanted a lot of words of affirmation but couldn’t give them to the others. The second wanted a lot of physical contact. However, the acts of service from him were poor. When I got stranded in the city at 11pm, he thought he could take a taxi home. He didn’t offer me a ride.
The third man seemed like husband material, as he was willing to commit and was serious about marriage and family. He was really strong in physical contact, acts of service, and gifts. However, he lacked words of affirmation that were really important to me.
After courting him for a year and a half, I realized that I probably wouldn’t meet a man who was perfect and spoke all the love languages I wanted, but if he seemed like a person willing to change, it might be worth a try. When he proposed to me, I said ‘yes’ without a second thought.
Having read this book, I was able to communicate to him what I wanted from him in a kind way and not criticize him for the lack of it.
We have been married for three years now. Our daughter is almost one. I have had to work on my acts of service since many times I did not meet her needs in this regard. I always forget to check my mail even though I’m home most of the time. I always leave the tea bags in the sink even though she has told me countless times not to. She has also come a long way in her words of affirmation component.
Working the love languages that we lack at once is not enough. This is an ongoing thing that needs attention and effort from time to time.
The 5 Love Languages have definitely helped my marriage and I use them as a guide to make sure our love tanks are full from time to time.
This book is a must read for all couples. If you can adequately fill your partner’s tank, half the battle in the relationship is won.
