Parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teenagers need to take care of themselves in a way they wouldn’t have to if their child wasn’t such an “energy drainer.”
Here is the 20-point Holy Grail for taking care of yourself emotionally:
1. Mentally move beyond the problem and project yourself to a future time where the problem may no longer matter.
2. Develop a part of yourself that serves as an impartial and dispassionate observer of your out-of-control child, regardless of the circumstances.
3. Visualize your out-of-control daughter as a mother going through her own parent-child conflict. Visualize your out-of-control child as a parent having to deal with YOUR verbally abusive child.
4. When you resist (eg, fight, try to change) your difficult child, it’s usually you who breaks. As soon as you accept the situation for what it is, you can begin to access your resources and act constructively to influence his behavior.
5. Somewhere in this difficult experience there is an opportunity.
6. What you learn from dealing with the difficult child will make you stronger and help you in many other areas of your life.
7. Experiment with different parenting strategies. Try novel approaches. Do the last thing you would think to do first!
8. Know that anything is possible.
9. YOUR SON IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.
10. THE OPPOSITE OF ANGER IS PATIENCE.
11. Just think for a moment about how old you are and everything you’ve been through.
12. All things work together for good. Something wonderful is probably coming out of your child’s current plight, and you haven’t seen it yet.
13. YOUR MOST DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE YOUR BEST TEACHERS.
14. YOUR MOST DIFFICULT SITUATIONS STRENGTHEN YOU.
15. THE LESS YOU TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS, THE MORE CONTROL YOU HAVE.
16. INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU DON’T WANT AND WHAT IS GOING WRONG, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU DO WANT AND WHAT IS GOING WELL.
17. INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON HOW YOU ARE ABUSED, FOCUS ON HOW YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
18. Let go of resentment.
19. To let go of resentment, we must first forgive!
Forgiveness:
· It is a way of letting go of resentment.
It means leaving the past behind.
· It’s for you, not the runaway child you forgive.
· It is a gift that you give yourself.
It allows you to get on with your life.
· Takes time. Maybe you are not yet able to forgive. Maybe the bread is too fresh. You don’t have to rush.
· It is a process. It doesn’t happen 100% overnight.
· Allows you to feel better about yourself.
· It is a choice. It’s not something you do because you “should” forgive, or because someone tells you to.
It allows you to heal old wounds so you can get on with the really important things in life.
· Helps you get unstuck.
Forgive does NOT mean:
· Forgot. You need to remember what happened in order to protect yourself.
You are setting anyone free (except yourself).
· You have to tell the runaway child that you have forgiven him.
· You have to trust your out-of-control child again. The confidence is earned. He/she will have to regain her/her trust before you can trust him/her again.
You’re telling the out-of-control child, “What you did to me is okay.”
· You are trying to alleviate your feelings of guilt.
· You are trying to make that out-of-control child feel better about himself.
· You are trying to make the out-of-control child feel better with you.
20. You may also need to forgive yourself. Sometimes we can’t forgive others until we forgive ourselves.
If you are the parent of a strong-willed and out-of-control child, then by definition you are in a state of almost constant stress. Use the steps above to avoid the burn and crash trap.
