Direct Answers – Column for the week of January 27, 2003
I have been involved with a married man for a while. I am also married, but it was an arranged marriage and I am very unhappy. I stay with my husband for the culture and my young children.
Because I was miserable, I was elated to fall in love with a boy I met. I never asked him for anything. He wanted to be able to have a friend in him. I know he will never leave his wife and I don’t want him to, but last week I found out I’m pregnant by him.
I know the best way forward is termination, but it’s tearing me apart because I’m Catholic and my third child died at birth last year. When I told him, he got really scared. He told me to abort as soon as possible. He said to show him the receipt and he would pay half, as if she were a common prostitute.
He’s only the second man I’ve slept with. The first was my husband. I am beside myself and cannot sleep or eat. When I try to contact him, he says that he is with his wife and his family, and that I am not to disturb him.
It seems that he was only interested in sleeping with me, while I wanted to talk to someone. I feel like dirt. I can’t even tell it’s from my husband since I haven’t slept with him in over a year. Please help.
clio
Clio, how did this chain of events start?
You married a man you didn’t love. That was the first link in the chain. Love is something we all need. If we don’t have love, we will go find love. That search created the second link in the chain.
You and this man took no precautions to prevent pregnancy. That formed the third link. Now you have the option to keep the baby. That bond will likely determine not only the future of the baby, but also the future of her marriage.
Three things suggest that you want to have the baby. You recently lost a child, risked getting pregnant again, and it is in accordance with your religious tradition.
As unhappy as you are in your marriage, your husband must feel the same way. If possible, you should sit down and discuss with him the state of his marriage and the best way forward now. Be direct in your explanations of him.
We can’t tell you what decision to make, but the discussion with your husband is central to your future and the future of your children. Right now you’re desperate, but once you’ve done the hard part, telling your husband, things will get easier every day. Then you will be on the path of truth, and your future can only be built on truth.
Your actions so far have been based on not facing the reality of your situation. Even one more day in that direction will make things worse. If you feel like you can’t talk about this with your husband, then you need to talk it over with a trusted friend or one of the many groups that provide pregnancy counseling.
At some point, the man you were involved with might have made a decision to protect himself and his wife. That time has passed. He may have created a half-brother or half-sister for his and her children. His price to pay is that the future is his decision, and the law will explain what his obligations are.
You have a life to live and children who depend on you. Basing your life on honesty can return you to the kind of life you envisioned for yourself.
Wayne and Tamara
