Direct Answers – Column for the week of July 29, 2002
A few months after my divorce I started seeing a friend of my ex-wife. She told me that she really needed a person who appreciated me. We had a great sex life, and she told me that anytime she was fine. I told her that she had never heard that before, but she said it was different.
After a year he asked when we were going to buy a house. I said, “If you want, we’ll do it.” I used my money to buy the house and our sex life changed as soon as we moved in. Her life now centers around her young son from a previous marriage, and when he goes to bed, she goes to bed.
This has been going on since we bought the house four years ago. We would never have bought the house if our relationship was like this before.
Kennan
Kennan, you knew how important a vital sexual relationship was to you. A part of you felt that it was too good to be true. When you questioned her, she dispelled your fears, but those fears have come true.
The weather complicated the situation. After four years, your girlfriend probably won’t feel anything but anger when you confront her, but you need to confront her.
What is really the problem? Is it sex, or is there not enough love between the two of you for physical intimacy to be a natural part of your relationship? If there is no connection that allows intimacy, there is no connection that allows this relationship to continue.
Tamara
break with tradition
I have a problem with my husband’s grandmother. From the beginning, I openly welcomed and accepted her grandmother. I didn’t question her motives and accepted her for who she is.
The problem is that this woman is the source of gossip in the family and is bent on pitting my husband and his brother against each other in petty competitions. This carries over and includes wives.
I am a born again Christian and family peacemaker, and I am tired of it. I’m tired of petty competitions like who gave the best birthday present. I told each and every woman that the gossip must end!
Life is too short to spend it on negative problems and fights. How can I teach my children healthy conflict resolution if this woman continually hurts us and starts fights? She’s in her 70s and it’s too late to change I guess.
Joseph
Josee, your desire to teach your children healthy conflict resolution is excellent. It’s a much-needed skill, but it does take at least a minimal willingness on the other person’s part to play. Sometimes that is not the case.
So it is with your husband’s grandmother. She’s been hurting her family for decades, and barring some profound event like a near-death experience, she’s not likely to change.
Dealing with her effectively is more like training a puppy than resolving a conflict. A behavioral approach is what is required. Behaviorism has strong overtones of manipulation that we don’t approve of, but with intractable behavior it may be the only answer.
Perhaps you choose to praise her when she makes positive comments and to remain silent and ignore negative comments. Or maybe it will simply let you know that you and your children will leave quickly in the presence of infighting or negative comparisons.
Whatever you decide, follow your plan as faithfully as if you were training a puppy. You can also look for a book on behavior analysis, especially one that deals with rules for shaping behavior.
Many people marry into toxic families. Spending less time with them and more time with people who value what you value will make your life more enjoyable. More importantly, it will give your children the opportunity to see the difference between productive, mature behavior and its opposite.
Wayne and Tamara
