On every shelf of every grocery store in the baby food section, you’ll find little bottles or now little containers that come in a variety of colors.
This is how I buy baby food. I take a little green. I have some yellowish ones, and just for a bit of variety I have a couple of the purple ones. Purple is a pretty color. It must be sweet. After all, it’s the same color as Barney, so it must be harmless.
He would soon learn how wrong he could be. She should have known better. After all, they tell adults to drink some prune juice to relax a bit. Obviously, I had yet to try this remedy and had no idea how effective plums could be in relieving constipation.
Less than half an hour after feeding my baby the pretty purple Gerber things, she spiked for the first time. Not even the most expensive diaper could have prevented the leak. The cleaning required was extensive. Just fifteen minutes after the initial eruption, she saw, felt, heard and smelled the first aftershock. In another half hour we experience the third round.
Good God, they surely have a warning label on the package. I ran to the trash can and pulled out the cardboard package. I desperately searched for some sign, some indication that consuming this product would cause the complete emptying of his son’s intestines. Is this a good thing? I could only hope that maybe good and nice aren’t necessarily the same thing.
It was easy to predict when my son’s diaper would come under another assault. Her eyes widened as if she was scared by what was about to happen. We were both scared.
Each subsequent eruption made me think that there should be some kind of scale for us to predict the damage caused, like the Richter scale for earthquakes. I had even thought of naming each event like we do hurricanes and tropical storms. Only they wouldn’t be pretty girl names, but rough-sounding German names, like Gunter or Alger.
Feeding my pretty little daughter Plums was like loading buckshot into a shotgun. Be careful when it fires because it will splash everything in its path. It may not be deadly, but the results were enough to make most adult men apprehensive.
There were a couple of little things that I found in the packaging. It sounds like Gerber would like us to know that the content is “better used in one take.” Funny people, very funny those Gerber people. The instructions should have said, “Caution! Use at your own risk. No responsibility for damage to clothing, rugs, or even curtains.”
I finally found this on the package: “Exclusive Gerber NATURELOCK(tm) COOKING PROCESS captures more of the goodness nature intended.” I don’t believe for a minute that Mother Nature intended this level of goodness.
