Being a parent comes with a myriad of challenges. It comes first with what his crying in the early months really means, then it hits the terrible two-year-old stage and goes up to troubled adolescence and beyond. Each stage of parenting is quite something. Add to the mix of it all having to do it alone as a single parent. This makes it much more of a struggle and a testament to our strength as parents when it’s all worth it.
And yes, I dared to call the absent father of my son. There is no better word I can use to better describe what he is to our son. But in case you, the father of our son, read this and have better suggestions of a different word I could use, feel free to let me know. But just so you know, I won’t hold my breath.
Yeah we got into the most controversial way that could only spell trouble if we ever ended up having anything to do with each other and yeah you knew I never wanted anything to do with what could become of the two of us but you he got away with the words. You eventually got me where you wanted me to be. And even though I knew it was so bad, I still played along. We had our stuff on and off whenever we wanted. I got to a point and walked away. Little did I know that I had left with this blessing that is my son within me.
I hated you. Growing up I had a dream of getting a good education, finding myself a good job and a good man to start with. One with whom he would form a beautiful family. So here I was, expectant and in denial that I had ended up pregnant with your child and that I hadn’t considered sharing a future with you. For this, I hated you so much. I would like to wake up with the news that something strange has happened to you so that your memory is erased forever. I was so blinded by rage that all I did was obsess over the fact that I hated you so much. Keep in mind that I wasn’t mad at you for what you and I weren’t going to be, I was mad at you for my son. I was angry because one day my son will ask difficult questions. And I will have no choice but to give you answers.
I don’t know exactly when all the hate disappeared. I am unable to identify any specific situation that led to the pain fading away. It was just a mix of blurry days and events that led me to feel sorry for you for the beautiful moment of raising our son that you were missing out on and finally reach a point where I could forgive you. After all, I left you, I CHOSE to end us, but you are the only one who abandons our son. You are the one who has never tried to be a father to our child. And I just realized that I pity you. I have had the honor of seeing the first all of him. I am the one he cries for when he hurts. I’m the one who’s excited to see at the end of the day. I am the one he looks so deeply into the eyes of as a sign of gratitude for who I am in his life. You are missing everything. And I pity you. You don’t even know how sweet he is and how loving he is. He’s the sweetest guy, and let’s face it, he gets it all from me.
I forgive the fact that we’re not raising him together. I was forced to grow up, to put myself in order. I was thrown into a world where I was awake most of the day, ecstatic to buy a new sippy cup, and had to make plans for my future and our son’s. I forgive the fact that you are a shitty person because it has made me a better mother. I love him double and I will give double to make up for everything you lack. Every day I wake up and hope to get better for him. I have something to look forward to because of him, and he has a lifetime ahead of him with endless possibilities and limited disappointment due to your absence from his life.
I feel sad for the inevitable feelings of sadness and doubt that he will have on himself because of you. My only goal is for him to have a happy life, and I don’t think I could have given that to him if you were a part of it. I will make him understand that he has a father in heaven who is there for him and loves him unconditionally. I know you’ll probably never read this, but if you do, thank you for my son. He is the love of my life, and without you, he wouldn’t be him. I pity you for not experiencing the greatness that he is, and I forgive you for the privilege of raising him alone. Please don’t confuse this with excusing the fact that my son doesn’t have a father. I don’t forgive this, and I’m sure he won’t either. That is something you have to live with and you will have to face it when your life approaches the end. I hope he tortures you like he tortured me before he let you go. I pray that in the not too distant future, God will bless us with the father figure he and I deserve.
