The key to understanding and successfully raising an abandoned baby/child is learning what your baby/child has learned.
Adopting is an overwhelming, joyous, and life-changing experience; however, adopting an abandoned child who deserves a second chance will be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have. However, doing so is not to be taken lightly and deserves education, awareness and understanding.
A typical abandoned child has been placed on a doorstep; side of the road or to the left in a public building. Fortunately, the baby/child survives and they are moved to a life of institutionalism until they are permanently adopted.
As you make this decision, what can you do to prepare for this imminent arrival? Better yet, are you equipped to raise a child with institutionalism and attachment disorders? Can you be honest with yourself to realize that it’s too weird to understand and that you shouldn’t adopt an abandoned baby? These children who have not been endowed with a “normal” start to life with their maternal bond intact do not emerge unscathed.
The agencies gloss over the details (which are often limited in the case of an abandoned baby), and while they paint a life of roses and optimism (and ask for their fees), they promote the child’s physical attributes. However, what about the emotional attributes of the child? You have been educated about the effects of adoption; however, abandonment is a completely different and separate trauma.
Vital questions to ask yourself before considering adopting an abandoned baby/child:
1. How would I feel if my biological mother/father left me at a door?
2. How would I feel if I was alone in an unknown orphanage with no attachment for the first 4, 5, 6, or 12 months of my life?
3. What would you have learned from these traumatic experiences? How would this trauma shape and forever change my personality?
4. Did the child suffer from malnutrition; abuse; serious neglect? How would he feel and react?
5. How would I feel once I was taught to get by inside the orphanage and then I was uprooted by strangers who adopted me into their home?
6. How would I feel if these strangers expected me to perform perfectly, join in, and become a smooth permanent member of the family?
7. Am I aware of the effects of institutionalism?
8. Do I have knowledge about attachment disorders?
9. Am I familiar with adoption?
10. Am I aware of the complexity of the problems that will arise?
11. Do I have a support system? (Other parents who have adopted an abandoned child).
12. Can I communicate honestly and positively with my child when he asks me questions about his abandonment?
13. Can I support my son in his need to find his biological roots?
14. Can I accept that because I don’t have a history my son may have health problems?
15. Can I accept that my child may have developmental delays?
These questions can seem overwhelming and strange; however, adopting an abandoned child with few or no tools will prove even more daunting and strange. The key to understanding your abandoned child/baby is to analyze what she has learned after leaving her.
Although today’s orphanages do everything possible to create a positive experience for the baby/child, it is still accepted that an orphanage is not an appropriate and healthy place for anyone to start life. In those closed walls, let’s examine what the baby/child learns. As the baby/child lies in the orphanage, perhaps without meeting all of her cries and needs, they internalize the anger. They cry at first and develop strong coping skills and learn that they cannot trust their caregivers. Over time, their coping skills adapt to their personalities: they’re in survival mode. What is survival mode? Well, this is something that many parents of abandoned parents
Contact other adoptive parents of abandoned children and get their advice. Also, reach out to abandoned adults and learn from them. http://www.keallfoundation.com
Since abandonment is rare, adoption agencies are not equipped enough to provide you with tools. This opportunity for self-exploration will be very helpful to you and will give you the opportunity to learn, grow, and make the wisest decision yet.
