Direct Answers – Column for the week of August 18, 2003
Two years ago I got divorced and there is still a lot of hostility.
My ex-husband has been served with contempt papers for failing to pay child support. He says I’m going to send him to the poorhouse, but I have no choice but to contact the court when the payments stop. He continues to blame me, even though two judges have explained that it is the court that determines when contempt charges are filed.
My children require the necessities of life, which I provide, but he says that the children are my responsibility and not to contact him, even if they get sick. He only interacts with them on scheduled weekends, and many times the weekends are cut short.
The house he bought with his girlfriend includes an in-ground pool and two hot tubs. Last summer he asked me how it feels to work and he explained that he makes enough money for his girlfriend to sit by the pool all summer. His girlfriend looks like a glittery Christmas tree with all the jewelry he’s wearing.
I’ve tried to talk to him, but he says he doesn’t listen to me and then puts me down. He buys food and clothes for his girlfriend’s children, but he tells me that I have turned our children’s lives upside down and dressed them in rags. That is not true. They are really cool kids who do well in school.
I need some ideas on how to try to talk to him to get my point across. How do I communicate my concerns to you?
Marlene
Marlene, you’ve communicated your concerns to him. He doesn’t care about his ex-husband, he doesn’t want to support any woman he doesn’t sleep with, or his children. Your children have lost a father figure because his father does not see himself as his father.
Here is another danger. Children often respect the bad parent and respond to what that parent wants, while disrespecting the good parent. It’s not just that they adopt the attitude of the difficult parent; they think that by placing it they will get a fatherly response from it. But the bottom line is that they can blame you.
Don’t waste your time thinking that you will ever manage to communicate with this man. You are being emotionally abused and so are his children, which is a good reason to minimize contact with him.
Your obligation to your children comes from the state in the same way that the state determines which side of the road to drive on or when to pay taxes. Let the state enforce this obligation and do not explain or apologize for it.
Wayne and Tamara
overreaction
My best friend lives across the street. His daughter and mine play together all the time. Our husbands are the best of friends and we watch each other’s houses when we are out of town.
When he got a part-time job, I started taking care of his daughter. I had an interview one night and left my daughter and hers with my husband. I was out an hour. The next day she called me and suddenly told me that she does not trust my husband with her daughter.
My husband is a primary school teacher and loves children. This has upset me and hurt my feelings. She doesn’t call now, and she wishes she knew what she was thinking. Should I call first?
Christ
Christa, your neighbor is angry and the question is why. If something really happened, he probably would have acted immediately.
She could be angry because for an hour she didn’t know who was taking care of her child, or because you didn’t share news of your interview with her. First of all, you can apologize. Tell him you didn’t think. Her husband takes care of the kids more than you do, and she didn’t think to tell you.
Finally, don’t ever put yourself or your husband in this position with her again.
Tamara
