Centering your thinking and behavior around another person is a sign of codependency. We react to something external, rather than our own internal signals. Addicts are also codependent. Their lives revolve around their addiction, be it to food, work, drugs, or sex.
Codependency derived from the term “co-alcoholic”, which originates in studies of relatives of drug addicts who interfered with recovery by enabling them.
Family therapists discovered that her codependent behavior developed in her childhood growing up in a dysfunctional family. In the 1940s, the German psychoanalyst and humanist Karen Horney wrote about neurotic behavior caused by self-alienation. He described the personality types that conform to codependency and believes that they are the result of faulty parenting and the “tyranny of shoulds.”
The 12-Step Codependent Anonymous (CoDA) program was founded in 1986 by Ken and Mary, two therapists who had grown up in abusive families.
Definitions
Codependency is considered a disorder in the American Psychiatric Association, due to a lack of consensus on a definition and empirical research. However, the Statistical Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders lists a dependent personality disorder, described as someone more passive, submissive, and dependent than most codependents. In 1989, experts at a National Conference came up with a suggested definition: “A pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and the approval of others in an attempt to find security, self-esteem, and identity.” Other definitions from experts in the field include:
* Melody Beattie: Allowing someone else’s behavior to affect you and becoming obsessed
about controlling that person’s behavior.
* Earnie Larsen: a decreased ability to initiate or participate in romantic relationships.
* Robert Subby: As a result of prolonged exposure to oppressive rules.
* John Bradshaw & Pia Melody: A symptom of abandonment – a loss of one’s inner reality and an addiction to outer reality.
* Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse: a brain disorder that leads codependents to seek relief from calming brain chemicals, which are released through compulsive behaviors, including addiction to work, substances, gambling, food, sex and / or relationships.
* Charles Whitfield: a disease of a lost individuality.
Beattie and Larsen’s definition focuses on the behavior of relationships. I agree with Bradshaw, Melody, and Whitfield that codependency resides with us, whether or not we are in a relationship. I also agree with Wegscheider-Cruse that addicts are codependent and that relief is sought through substances, processes, and people. However, unlike Cruse, I believe that codependency is a learned behavior that is transgenerational. Other influences are cultural and religious prejudices. Although research shows that some teens had brain abnormalities even before they became addicted to drugs, their twins did not become addicted, so the full impact of genetic and organic causes is still unclear, particularly in light of plasticity. of the brain in adolescence.
Fundamental feelings and behavior
Codependent feelings and behaviors vary in degree on a continuum. Like a disease and an addiction, if untreated symptoms become compulsive and worsen in stages over time.
Core feelings include:
Core behaviors include:
Core feelings and behaviors create other problems, such as pleasing people, self-doubt, mistrust, perfectionism, high reactivity, empowerment, and obsessions. Codependents tend to be more in tune with other people’s needs and feelings than with their own. To calm the anxiety of rejection, they try to adjust to others, while ignoring their own needs, wants, and feelings. As a result, they tend to lose their autonomy, particularly in intimate relationships. Over time, their self-esteem declines due to self-alienation and / or allowing others to devalue them.
Codependents have varied personalities, and symptoms differ in type and severity from one another. They also have various styles of accessories. Not everyone is a caregiver or even in a relationship. Some seek closeness, while others avoid it. Some are addicted, bullying, selfish, and needy, or they may appear independent and confident, but are trying to control, or are controlled by, a personal relationship or their addiction. Sometimes that relationship is with an addict or narcissist. A one-sided relationship or one marked by addiction or abuse is a sign of codependency. But not all codependent relationships are one-sided or abusive.
Recovery
Untreated codependency can lead to anxiety, depression, and serious health problems. There is help for recovery and change. Recovery goes through stages that normalize codependent symptoms. The goal of recovery is to be a fully functioning adult who:
Inform yourself. Get guidance and support. Codependent patterns are deeply ingrained habits that are difficult to identify and change on your own. An experienced third party is often needed to identify them and suggest alternative beliefs and responses. 12 step therapy and meetings provide this. In recovery, you will:
Self-help and therapy
Codependency is highly recoverable, but it requires effort, courage, and proper treatment. A therapist should be knowledgeable about treating codependency, shame, and self-esteem, as well as being able to teach healthier communication and behavior skills. Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in increasing self-esteem and changing codependent thinking, feelings, and behavior. In some cases, trauma therapy is also indicated.
Recovery can lead to more anxiety, so it is important to maintain a self-help support system such as the 12-step Al-Anon or CoDA programs to build self-esteem and be more assertive.
© DarleneLancer 2019
