Children rebel and throw tantrums because there is something they want from you as a parent. They are begging you to provide this for them and we are not talking about toys, clothes and other kinds of things. The problem is that children don’t know how to verbalize this one thing they so desperately want. As a result, when they don’t have it, they are filled with anxiety, insecurity, and rebellion.
A study was once conducted of school-age children’s antics on the playground. When the recess bell rang, they flooded the playground. They lined up on the fences and laughed and played. The fences that lined the playground were then removed. The change was remarkable. The next morning, the children huddled in the middle of the playground. They were anxious and insecure. They did not wander or play as usual. Then the fences were put back. Do you want to guess what happened? The next day they were back on the playground, happy and safe.
The study reinforced the need to set limits. Children want limits. Children ask for limits. They don’t want a world without limits. When they are about to cross a line, they want you to stop them. When they are pushing too hard, they expect you, as a parent, to step up. They don’t want your friendship any more than they want your direction. Why do parents miss this? By the way children verbalize it.
Your child wants to know the fence line. They want to know where the “no tresspass” signs are located. How do they ask? Pushing the limits until you say stop. They will go as far as you allow, hoping that there is indeed a limit. Here’s the problem, parents too often see it as a rebellion rather than an act of clarification. Your child will yell, complain, threaten, and cry when he sees the fence line. They will tell you everything they think to surprise you. But deep down, almost inexplicable, they are begging you not to give in, to stand up and stick with her.
Why do children want limits? Do you remember the story from the playground above? Limits give freedom. When the fences were put up, they knew where they could go, and that meant they were free within those limits. When the fences were removed, they lost their freedom. You see it? They were homeless. They no longer had freedom. I know it sounds the opposite, but this is an incredible truth that will help you create confident children.
3 things happen when there are no limits?
1. They will act wrong.
This is your attempt to find the limit, to find your line of freedom. It is difficult for parents when the child misbehaves. It can be loud or even threatening. There could be tears and maybe an academy award. You may feel intimidated by this behavior.
2. They will retire.
There are children who need their limits so much that without them they cannot venture out. He will become a recluse. You will see them glued to their bedrooms.
3. They will not feel loved.
During all this time the parents thought that if they gave themselves to their children they would feel loved. So you have a confused parent wondering how this child could act the way he does when he has received all this love. Only to discover that this was never received as love, but rather as a lack of love.
So, for now, let’s close with a strong word for parents. Father, take a deep breath, stand tall and firm, and practice this word: NO! Your child wants you to say it. And then after you say it, they are praying inside that you fulfill it. Remember, the way they show this is by yelling all kinds of crazy things and threatening. But when you stand your ground and don’t give in to their tantrums, they will start to feel that you love them enough to keep your word and a feeling of security will start to overwhelm them.
